Surreal

I'm not sure whether it has sunk in totally that you have really gone away for good this time. In this lifetime, I will never be able to carry you and complain how fat and heavy you are. I will never be able to say "mum mum" and watch you lift your head up and perk your ears up. I will never be able to say "mummy where?" and see you looking at me quizzically. I will never be able to tempt you with the jar of cuttlefish and see you plant your whole head into the jar because you are blind and can't tell the cuttlefish isn't inside anymore.

I will never be able to disturb you when I am bored in my room. I will never be able to hear your snore or fart or watch you licking your paws vigorously. I will never be able to stand by the side and watch you drink water for more than a minute and roll my eyes at how long you're taking. I will never be able to see you hump your bolster and disturb you by snatching your bolster away from you. I will never say "kiss" and feel your warm tongue giving me a giant lick on my cheek. I will never be able to feel you licking me non-stop just for the fun of it. I will never open my bedroom door and see you lying outside, waiting to come in. I will never hear you bark again, in that thick, loud, indignant way of yours.

It just hasn't sunk in yet. In my mind, your absence is temporary and one day, I will be able to carry you in my arms again. I still wish for a hug, a kiss, an innocent look. Come back, P, come back. We miss you so much. You left a gap in the family that no one can fill. All of us walks around the house, goes about our work feeling like our heart's missing, or a limb's missing. We love you so so much. Are you happy now? Can you come into our dreams once in a while and let us know how you're doing?

Thank you for your love.

Yesterday afternoon, after the dog (P) went to get his annual vaccine, he came home unsettled and out of sorts. Hub's mum attributed it to him being scared during the vaccination. As hub's mum said it happens every year, I didn't think much of it. P was still out of sorts at night, hubs was quite concerned, but hub's mum and me both brushed it aside. He finally found a vet online and called the clinic. The clinic said panting hard is normal as P's probably running a fever. So we went to bed, thinking that if P still seems odd tomorrow we'd bring him to the vet.

I was rudely woken up at 6am by hub's dad. He told me,"P's dying! Come quick!" I went over to P and he was lying on the bed, motionless and he wasn't blinking his eyes. There was blood on his nose. Suddenly, he lost control of his bowels and peed onto the bed. I quickly went to wake hubs, who drove everyone to the 24hrs vet. The clinic people took P away right after we got there. It was a scary 30mins wait, with accusations, unhappiness and most of all, fear, clawing at everyone. Soon after, the vet came out and told us that his heart had stopped. Even before we reached the clinic, his heart had stopped and they are not able to resuscitate him.

We left P's body on the bed at the clinic, after saying our goodbyes. We are gonna get him cremated and keep his ashes at home.

I don't know whether I am still in shock. I can get through the day-to-day motion without thinking of him, but when I think of him I feel like crying, weeping violently. Which I did at my desk earlier on.

My dearest dearest P,

When I joined the family 3 years ago, you welcomed me with open arms. The family thought you were gay, because you've never shown much affection for females (other than hub's mum). I was the first. I loved you too, you were so well-behaved. It was love at first sight.

You were such a good boy all the time. You would kiss me 9 times out of 10 when I asked for a kiss. You would play toys with such vigour. Even when you went blind, you still came to our room to look for us, to spend time with us. You would sit at our feet unfailingly whenever we ate (though after you went blind you often stared at the fan, thinking it was us), you would shamelessly ask for food, standing on your hind legs and placing your paws on our thighs. None of us were any match for your big doe eyes. One of us always ended up sneaking food to you.

You were always licking your paws, such that when we asked you for "paw paw", you stubbornly refused to show us your paws because you knew you had done wrong. You were always so well-behaved when we go out. I loved teasing you by literally pulling your leg. You hated it and would bark in protest every time I did that, but we always made up, because that's what family does. You hated it when the family quarrelled, and in your own way meted out your own punishment by ignoring the wrong party for the rest of the night.

You came into my life 3 years ago, though now that you are physically gone, I will never forget you and what you've taught me - that family always loves unconditionally and always forgive. I love you my dear. I will miss your kisses, I will miss hugging you, I will miss feeding you your favourite cuttlefish and fried chicken. I love you P, I hope you know that and that I have never given you any cause to doubt my love for you. How I wish I can hold you in my arms one more time, that I can kiss you and you can kiss me back one more time. Goodbye my love, I hope heaven has clean, green pastures for you to run in, friends to play with and good food to eat. I love you my darling. I'll see you in heaven. :)

With all my love and more,
J

What would you have done, if you were me?

I'm a punctuality freak. I hate being late. That said, I'm also a sucker for rules and regulations. I believe they exist for a reason and you can't break the rules as and when you want to.

I don't believe the above excuses me for my actions below, but I don't really see the need to justify anything. I'm just curious what you would do, if you were in my position.

I start work at 8.30am every morning. Sure, sometimes I'm late, when the traffic is bad or when I overslept (which happens probably once a year). Even if I am late, it's never more than 15 minutes and I make up for it after work by staying a little longer.

My colleagues, are a different story. Some of them come in at 10.30am, sometimes 11.00am. Some of them start work earlier, like 7.30am but leaves at maybe 4.00pm, when she is supposed to leave at 5.00pm. The reason they can do this and get away with it, is because we are not seated on the same floor as our bosses. I've been unhappy about this for some time, as I feel that it is unfair to people like me who makes the effort to wake up early, come to work early. I just think that they are slackers.

So I told my boss about it. I don't feel like I did anything wrong. Although the girls (yes all girls) have found out and am ignoring me but I honestly don't really care. If you don't want the boss to know, then you shouldn't have done it in the first place. And how can you call it backstabbing? Am I supposed to lie for you and keep your secret for you when the bosses ask where you are early in the morning? I don't think so.

Anyway, what's done is done and these people aren't even getting the punishment they deserve because my boss doesn't really want to offend the entire group of girls. So that's that. Maybe I should start coming to work at 10.30am, since my boss obviously doesn't seem to mind.

Sigh, maybe Hubs is right, I do things without thinking, especially so when I am upset or angry...will need to practise to control my emotions. :(